Gargle, Swish, Rinse, Spit...Ew.

(On a deceivingly cheery postcard in the mail)

"Miss Shumway it's that time again! Time to clean your teeth! Please call our office at 1-555-WEHATEYOU to make your appointment!"

(Me)

*Waits three extra months before calling and immediately regrets that decision.*

That's right folks, it's rant time! Thanks to wonderful Victoria and her splendid suggestions, today I will be ranting about the...DENTIST.

The dentist is a terrible place. Now it can be acceptable if you get a REALLY nice hygenist and you floss regularly...(everyone who says they floss regularly....YOU LIE.) So it pretty much always sucks. Here's a list of reasons why...

1. Making the appointment.

Why is it that you must schedule your appointment like three months in advanced? Because. The dentists office seems to be open on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from 10am -3pm...they don't, however, seem to think that these are at all weird hours for something that literally every human with dental insurance needs. Screw Monday through Friday 9-5, let's just make everyone wait twelve weeks to get the impending doom that is teeth cleaning.

2. Walking in

The receptionist happens to always be on the phone. This is because there are a ton of people trying to make a flipping appointment. If you're like me then you suffer from overthinking. So every time I walk in and the lady at the desk is on the phone I spend the next five minutes thinking about interrupting the phone call to make sure I don't have to fill any forms out or check in or something and just sitting down awkwardly. Then it turns into this weird situation where I'm standing at a somewhat close distance, waiting for this woman to get off the phone until she whispers at me to take a seat.

There is a pretty simple solution to this, I think. They could just, you know, tell the person on the phone "One moment please!" and then tell me "Hi, you can just have a seat!" Boom. I'm not worried about what I need to be doing and that literally only took you two seconds.

3. How the heck do they always know me???

Every time I walk into the dentists office the receptionist knows exactly who I am even though I only see these people twice a year! The answer is obviouse. They're spies.

4. The gamble

Going to the dentist is always a gamble because you never know which hygenist you are going to get. Dentist is always the same so no worries, but it seems like the hygenist turnover rate is pretty high and more importantly you never know if they are wonderful people who tell you they like your purse or if you are going to get the lady who gets joy out of making your gums match your new red lipstick.

They all start out seeming so nice and then you're stuck in an itty bitty room, paper hanging off your neck, and way too many sharp tools. It's not necessarily a twinkle in their eyes that give it away, but this weird feeling in the room that they would literally rather be stuck in the middle of the sahara desert than scraping plaque out of your teeth. They don't make any small talk before starting and then they jab a miniature dagger into your face. The look in their eyes tells you that all they can think about is how disgusting you are and maybe if they stab it enough we'll just go away. Then after I'm making obvious "Ouch that REALLY hurts!" squinty faces they have the audacity to ask me how often I brush.

I am a civilized human being woman! I brush my teeth twice a day! How often do you brush B?? Because I can smell your nasty breath through that unflattering mask. Eat a mint. Gosh. Of course all she hears is "Glurgjsajkdjf jsdlhja nkjj;sadjj,,gnnags ne;sdfinjlk" I'll touch on this in a moment, trust me. Now after the scraping and the flouride it's time for the worst part. The floss. It's like they want to saw all the way down to your chin with a small, minty wire. And the pain and taste of blood isn't even the worst part. No. It's the lecturing you get while they do it. "You must not floss enough. How often do you floss? You know, this wouldn't hurt and your gums wouldn't bleed if you made sure to floss every day. They're really sensitive. Have I told you you should floss more? I hate you. I hate my job. Also, you should floss more."

4. The whole talking issue

Hygienist: "So are you in school?"

Me: "klasjd klsdj dsjf btnd dusggybtn."

H: "Oh good good! What about work, do you have a job?"

M: "kjneh gy dbs em f ouikndfbyr."

H: "Good for you! And family?"

M: "shojneg jnkw hs il me ojabbyh djfncuje. jsduiona unnenhkjclnnwer."

H: "I see...are you comfortable?"

M: "ajnfd"

H: "Oh no? Well let's just adjust the chair here! Also, how often do you brush?"

YOUR HAND IS LITERALLY INSIDE MY MOUTH. I CANNOT FORM WORDS TO RESPOND TO YOUR QUESTIONS. WHY DO YOU HATE ME?

5. Now or later?

As you're leaving the receptionist always asks a quetion I personally think makes no sense.

"Would you like to schedule your next appointment now or would you like us to call us when it's time for your next cleaning?"

Why doesn't this make sense to me?? Well, there is a six month window between teeth cleanings...you want me to schedule an appointment for six months from now that needs to take place on a Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday between 10 and 3? Woman. I don't even know what I am having for lunch today. I will now reluctantly give you my phone number so you can harass me in half a year. Goodbye.

6. I'm starving.

You can't eat for a flipping hour after you get your teeth cleaned! And of course I scheduled my appointment for 12 because you are only open between 10 and 3 and I was too concerned with finding a good time in my busy schedule to remember I wouldn't be able to eat so lunch time is good. Except now my hunger level and necessity to follow the rules are battling it out in my mind...guess who wins? Rules are meant to be followed people! So I spend the longest hour of my life dreaming of lunch becuase my stomach is empty and all I can taste is weird flouride mint.

The dentist is a terrible place where dreams go to die. Thank goodness we only have to suffer through it twice a year and it does beat having some narly looking teeht! Enjoy your smile and enjoy your day! Now go floss.