I Love You Truly...

Happy day everyone! I had a sudden burst of inspiration to write a post about self love today. Self love is a concept that I have struggled a lot with in the past few years for kind of an odd reason. As I've said in previous posts, I have suffered with some pretty bad depression and anxiety and I have found that because of those things I had a difficult time justifying, defining, and practicing self love. So I wanted to hop on here and talk about some of the struggles I've had with that and how I found a way to productively "treat myself."

So growing up I had a lot of hobbies and routines that I would now consider "self love" activities, but at the time were just things I enjoyed doing all the time, that were just for me, and really isn't that what self love should be?? Things we really love to do, just for us? I loved to sit in my room, watch Gilmore Girls, craft, paint my nails, and so on. Years went on where that time and those activities were so important to me, they brought me joy. Around 2012/2013 my mental health began to take a dive, although I wasn't completely aware that it was depression until around 2016...apparently I'm a very slow learner haha. I think for a few of those first years of depression, my alone time was helpful, but at some point in 2016 I found myself at a loss. I didn't love anything anymore, not crafting, not baking, not painting my nails, not keeping my house cozy, just nothing. I would constantly hear of self love. In podcasts, on blogs, everywhere in the media I was hearing, "Practice self love!", "Do something for yourself when you're feeling sad and alone!", "Take a day for you! Do a face mask and watch your favorite movie!" This is where my struggle and confusion with self love began. I couldn't grasp the concept of self love because I didn't find joy in all the things that I would've normally categorized as self love activities. I thought, but I don't feel like watching my favorite movie and taking a bath...nothing feels like something for me!

But I would try anyways. I would take a bubble bath, I would paint my nails, I would watch movies, but still, it never felt relaxing or enjoyable or a break from my sadness. It felt like a lie. Like I was pretending to myself to make it better.

So I kept on, acting out the idea of self love and then when my depression became really bad I would have days where I could barely get off the couch and told myself that I just needed a self love day. This created a whole new problem in my head because I was somehow confusing "self love" with "lazy" so that on the days that I was so depressed that moving was difficult I understood that it was self love and it was okay, but on the very few days that I was "okay" I would think, How dare you spend all week laying around on the couch! You're wasting your life, failing at school and work, and you should feel terrible for being so unmotivated! This of course induced a ton of cognitive dissonance and self loathing...basically the opposite of self love.

It has taken a lot to learn how to practice self love and do so effectively. So, here are the things that have crossed my mind in my journey to productive self love that I hope are helpful to some of you...

1. No one talks about what self love feels like to people pleasers.

I am a people pleaser and I know other people pleasers. We have two ways of thinking: 1. I helped all of my family and friends and cleaned the whole house and even though I'm exhausted for helping everyone, I'm glad I made someone happier so it's okay that I'm tired, OR, 2. I have done nothing today besides the dishes and getting dressed, so therefore I am the laziest person on the planet and I don't deserve any joy or happiness or relaxation.

This train of thought makes self love an incredibly difficult concept, because something I have learned about self love is that "No" is an incredibly important word. Sometimes you have to say no, to work, to friends, to yourself...and no is a tough word to say when you've lived your entire life as a yes person. When you learn to say "no" you find the middle ground between those two thought processes and a nice balance of helping others, but also nurturing yourself.

2. Self love doesn't need to be your attempt at "fixing" your bad day.

Whenever I would have a bad day I would tell myself that it was the perfect time to have a self love day and surely that would fix the problem. It never would though. I could take a bath, do a face mask, paint my nails, light a candle, and still somehow manage to feel like crap. Sometimes a bad day is just that, a bad day. And sometimes the best thing you can do is admit it. Then use self love as a way to nurture yourself rather than a way to fix the bad day. It may not be the end all be all to your bad mood, but it will probably feel a little like you're giving yourself a hug when you're feeling a bit less than.

3. Self love is important on the good days.

When you suffer from depression it becomes painfully obvious, at some point, that you are having more bad days than good days. This means that when you have a good day you try to pack as much as you can into that good, productive time...friends, chores, vegetables, etc. But I found that self love is most important for me on my good days because I get to really appreciate it. It took a lot for me to convince myself that self love on a good day isn't selfish and once I did, I found that I was getting more out of my self love practices than ever. Bad days and depression are energy drainers and while it feels like you should be most productive on a good day, taking that time to recharge and love yourself sets you up for more good days to follow. If I wake up feeling good and decide to spend most of my day doing things that I love, for me, and taking care of my body, I am twice as likely to wake up the next day feeling just as good and ready to be productive.

4. Self love is different for everyone and what makes it self love is that it is something you do JUST for YOU.

For myself, self love means deep conditioning my hair, painting my nails, drinking tea, and baking cookies. For someone else it could be walking around the mall or exercising or painting or reading. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it is something that is for you and your mental health. So do whatever makes you happy and fills you with joy and love, but make sure it is something that you do for yourself.

I'm sure I have plenty else to say on this topic, but I've hit creative pan so for now I shall leave it at that. I hope everyone has a lovely day and please don't forget to give yourself some love!

#mentalhealth #onmymind #Lifestyle